It's been little over two weeks since I tragically lost my little lady and I think I am finally okay to write about it. On the afternoon of Tuesday the 3rd of April, I was sitting in my study when the weirdest feeling came over me. I felt a wrenching in my gut and a tickle in my throat. Not knowing what had caused it, I set aside my work and ventured out the front door. I was on my porch, still completely unaware of the reason I had gone outside when I decided to grab something from my car. In that moment, something somewhere forced me to look out onto the road. In that moment my entire world fell apart. My dear kitty Mindy had been hit by a car in some freak accident. I'm going to spare you the details that followed, because they were more than horrific. I was left completely numb for hours...
Now, I have lost loved ones before and experienced grief. But never had I experienced the bodily reaction to traumatic shock. That night was tiresome. Thinking led to sobbing, sobbing led to crying, crying led to choking, choking led to hyperventilating and so on, until I finally calmed down around 3am to actually sleep. The next few days were a roller coaster ride of emotions. I felt guilty and thought up so many "what if" situations. I experienced denial, and every so often I would hear her bells. I was so angry and depressed that I really just could not understand why this had happened!?
By the end of the week I had started to be honest about these feelings. I began to accept the whirlwind of emotions for what they were. I began to understand the pain and the anger and the guilt, and with that understanding I started working through them. Despite what anyone thought, I knew I had a right to feel the way I was... my baby had been taken away from me and I was completely alone and bereaved.
I think the turning point was when speaking to a fellow fur mamma, she said "it's so cruel that we fall so in love with these little souls only to outlive them", because this was exactly what I had been thinking!! When asked if I were going to get another Cat (Yes! Some people asked that!?) I would answer so negatively and say "No, they are such high risk pets and I cannot deal with that pain again". But this isn't how one should live their life, safeguarding the pain by foregoing all the pleasure they bring.
I know now that although her life was cut incredibly short, my family and I gave Mindy the greatest possible chance at living her life. But more than that, she gave us the greatest possible happiness. Her quirky character was so infectious that she brightened every single one of my days. While the horrific details of that Tuesday afternoon still creep into my sleep, I'm slowly starting to replace them with all the wonderful ones. Each time I walk past her beautiful urn I think of the times we used to chase one another through the house, or how often she would terrorise the garden of lizards out the front. I can remember the really odd noise she used to make when you asked her if she wanted dinner, or how whenever the internet was down it was because she decided to take a nap on the modem. I still miss her so, but I know her beautiful spirit is still here with me somewhere.